Xanax (alprazolam): The drug that has left me scared and scarred

By Jacinta

Jacinta's Story

Introduction

I don’t want to scare people who are trying to withdraw from Xanax. I do want to scare people who are thinking about going on it or other benzodiazepine tranquilisers, such as Valium, Serapax, Ativan, Normison and Mogadon.

I have decided to share my story with you. Not only to increase awareness of the potential dangers of using Xanax but to reassure those who are suffering from an addiction that they are not alone. My aim is to encourage people to question and educate themselves about the medications their doctors are giving them.

To cut a long story short, this is what Xanax withdrawals have been like for me. I stress the me because it will not be like this for everyone. My experience has no doubt been more severe because of my lack of understanding of my addiction. That is, I lacked the awareness that I was addicted. I had no knowledge of what this drug had already done to me. I had no idea of the symptoms I could potentially experience when I stopped taking Xanax.

You may note that in the above paragraph I called it ‘my addiction’. I did this without thinking. On reflection it is important. Please understand that it is ‘your addiction’. You own it. You can with time and awareness control it. On the other hand it is also useful to explain to your close family that they should separate ‘you’ from the ‘addiction.’ Hopefully they can understand this concept and will not be dismissive of your pain or see you as being weak and unable to control yourself during the bad times.

I emphasise that the most obvious and extreme withdrawal symptoms I suffered were during periods when I went ‘cold turkey’ or withdrew too quickly especially after being on a high dose. But I also believe that I have suffered insidious or subtle withdrawal symptoms from the time I became tolerant to Xanax (early in 2005) and despite being on a stable and low dose of Xanax for a long time.

My Story

I suffered insomnia and secondary depression for many years. I coped, often with the use of anti-depressants. In 2004, 6 months after ceasing anti-depressants my doctor prescribed Xanax (2 mg at night). He didn’t tell me it was addictive. My psychologist told me ‘Xanax can cause depression in the long term.’ It wasn’t sufficient information to cause me concern.

In about September 2006 I realised that I was using more Xanax on a regular basis. I took time off work to get off it. Without the knowledge that I was addicted and without realising that I needed to get advice before ceasing Xanax I went ‘cold turkey’ in November 2006. For four days and nights I was bedridden. I didn’t sleep or eat. I vomited. I had hallucinations. On about the third day without Xanax I started to become uncoordinated and unbalanced and bumped into things just walking to the bathroom. On about the fourth day I became really worried when I started having twitching sensations. At this stage I contacted my doctor’s surgery. The receptionist told me my doctor of 12 years had retired two weeks earlier. I was able to get in to see a new doctor. I could not walk or drive in the physical state I was in. I took 1 mg of Xanax. I slept soundly for nearly an hour. When I woke up all the symptoms described above had disappeared.

Life settled down for a while. I started seeing a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I went on medication for that. I reduced the Xanax slowly and by early February 2007 I was down to half a mg. I hardly worked during this time. I was focused on getting fit and healthy. I spent a lot of time on the internet researching ADD and going on ADD forums.

I went off my ADD medication in about late February because I had migraines and hormonal problems. At that stage I thought they were due to the ADD medication. In hindsight I believe they were withdrawal symptoms from Xanax. During a stressful time in mid March coupled with an unexpected severe bout of depression lasting 2 days I started taking more Xanax again. I had a script with 4 repeats. I went through a bottle of 50 x 2mg tablets each week for three weeks. On this high dose I slept really well, but not excessively. I felt fine.

My ‘spree’ came to an end when my doctor found out I was abusing ‘my Xanax.’ He was angry with me and refused to give me any Xanax at all. He told me to go to my local hospital which I did and was told that ‘it’s our policy not to prescribe Xanax.’ I was two days without my medication after being on this high dose for three weeks. This sent me into a spin because I had been so sick in November when I tried to go off it ‘cold turkey’.

My physical and emotional wellbeing went on a downhill spiral that peaked for about 3 weeks. It involved finding a new doctor. He put me on a regime of Xanax that I found hard to comply with. I was reducing faster than I was supposed to because I could not make myself go to the chemist everyday. I made attempts, self-funded and self-motivated, at getting into detoxs. A doctor accused me of being a criminal and irresponsible for using too much Xanax and of doctor shopping. My financial problems escalated to the point where I had to move out of my home or be evicted. At the end of this 3-4 week period and after 4 days without Xanax I felt like I was going to have a fit (I had previously had a fit in 1999). I rang my hospital’s drug and alcohol service and they told me to ring an ambulance. The ambulance officer on the phone said to me ‘what do you expect us to do, you have to wait until you have a seizure before you call us’.

In 23 days I had gone from taking up to 20 mg a day to none for 4 days.

I rang my psychiatrist. He said to me ‘they can’t not give you Xanax. Get here immediately’. His receptionist went to the chemist and got me my Xanax. I have been on 2mgs of Xanax a day since then. The bad withdrawals have subsided. The addiction lingers.

During this last rapid withdrawal, I learned, by trial and error, who to ring and talk to for support. Most family members, although well intentioned, were ill informed of the effects of a withdrawal from a drug of physical and psychological dependence. The best people to talk to were those who were going through or had gone through withdrawals. Such as people on forums and Tranx counsellors or people who had seen a person close to them suffer from an addiction. Those who did not understand the physical pain or the psychological barriers I was facing, such as agoraphobia, or who offered bandaid advice I could not talk to.

I have never been addicted to anything in the past except cigarettes. I was a light smoker. I often gave up gave cigarettes up for lengthy periods of time, and for the last time in January 2007 when I was half way through reading Allen Carr’s book. So it wasn’t until April of this year that I gained a true understanding of an addiction. It was then that I had to educate myself or become insane. It has been a steep learning curve. As I said to someone whilst I was going through the realisation that there simply was not the help I needed ‘I thought I was living in Canberra not some third world country.’

Through the internet I found Benzo.Org.UK, Tranx, TRAP and Dr Andrew Byrne- who runs an addiction clinic in Redfern, Sydney, Australia. I also had the support of a friend who works in a diversionary program for drug addicts in the criminal justice system in NSW. The women’s information resources and education on drugs (WIRED) staff in Canberra were also very helpful and understanding. With the knowledge and support I obtained from these sources, a lot of crying over the phone to Lifeline and other help lines I formed an understanding of how I have been withdrawing from Xanax for over 2 years and a recognition of some of the subtle and early symptoms I had experienced and what else I could expect.

In a nut shell this is what I have experienced while withdrawing from Xanax:

It’s been physically and emotionally painful. I have had headaches and migraines, muscle and stomach aches and loss of co-ordination. I have been weak and tired. I have felt cold, restless and agitated. I have been depressed, frustrated and irritable. I have felt let down, disappointed, angry and emotionally out of control. My hormones have been affected. I have experienced agoraphobia, insomnia, lack of appetite and a loss of motivation. I have had feelings, that I cannot adequately put into words, of ‘going mad’. I have had mild paranoia. I have had weird dreams about people from my past, including a friend who died over 10 years ago. I have had intense flashbacks about stressful events. I’ve had nausea and vomiting. I’ve had mild tinnitus and ear aches. I often have numbness in my feet and hands during the night. I sometimes feel suicidal (quite a different feeling to being depressed). I fear that I won’t be able to live a normal life again.

I believe that Australia is a party to the 1971 United Nations convention on psychotropic substances. Article 20 (1) states “The parties shall take all practicable measures for the abuse of psychotropic substances and for the early identification, treatment, education, aftercare, rehabilitation and reintegration of the persons involved and shall co-ordinate their efforts to these ends.” (Subsections (2) and (3) are also worth reading).

In my opinion many doctors have inappropriately and irresponsibly prescribed Alprazolam to many people. There appear to be many people who have not been advised of its addictive nature and who, like myself, have become ‘accidental addicts’. It appears that Xanax has also become a recreational drug that is obtained illegally on the internet and on the street.
Of course, some people, who have become addicted to their prescribed medication may also feel they have no choice except to obtain it illegally. This in itself poses further dangers.

It is important to appreciate how people or which people have become addicted to this drug or any benzodiazapine. It is important to cast blame and sanction those who have been irresponsible in the prescription or lack of warning of Xanax and other medications. The importance lies in preventing other people from suffering. It is equally important that anyone suffering from these addictions is ‘treated’. Not just in the physical sense but also treated with respect and compassion.

In some ways I have painted a dismal picture. On the bright side there is the knowledge that through our experiences each of us who contribute to this forum adds to the awareness of the destructive nature of benzodiazepines like Xanax when they are inappropriately prescribed. We can provide support and encourage (15th century from French ‘encouragier’ - from ‘en’ to cause + corage -courage’) each other. Because courage is what it takes to overcome this addiction. Remember that ‘There is no garden without weeds.’