My Benzo Story

It began with a panic attack that was a surprise and very scary.  At the time there was nobody to talk to and I became an anxious person at that time.  The anxiety focused on situations like elevators, flying and public speaking. 

About 12 years after that event I was prescribed Tranxene (clorazepate) by a doctor who was trying to help.  The amount was 15mg and so it went for the next 10 years.  It was annoying to me that I was dependent on anything and about that time I decided to quit as in cold turkey.  Several weeks later I realized that I couldn’t do it.  This was many years ago long before the internet gave the possibility to become informed. I reinstated at 3.7mg of tranxene and so it went for the next 25 years.

I never needed more than the 3.7mg of tranxene and the negatives were relatively few. Life went on and I traveled the world coming to enjoy flying and the other phobic components were relatively managed with some cognitive therapy.

In February of 2007 I decided to get off them feeling that I could do without. From my previous experience I knew it would be very difficult so I was able to get informed primarily by finding TRAP web site and forums during an internet search.

I switched to diazepam 2.5mg and two weeks later started the taper.  It took 15 months and one reinstatement to get to zero at the end of May 2008.  It was a very difficult battle with the main symptoms being depression, panicky feelings, significant tension, insomnia, depersonalization, a few headaches, and neck muscle issues, return of the fear of flying, dizziness, tinnitus and a few others that were less significant.  Most of these symptoms came and went regularly.

I was able to maintain my normal day with work and fortunately I own a small business or I might not have been able to do that. Many days were difficult but I am grateful that I could stay with it. I was also able to “look through” the suffering and not allow it to affect any relationships negatively. I learned to recognize anger and other feelings that came up and just look through them even as they occurred.  Only my wife knew what I was doing and she had no idea of the difficulty of the effort. Fortunately my demeanor didn’t change and it had no effect on our relationship.  Work relationships went on as usual and my days were as joyful as they could be. I continued to love the people around me and continue a spiritual direction program that I had begun. In fact, this experience made it richer.

TRAP forums became my go to place for support and understanding of what was happening. I posted when I felt that I had something to offer and read of the experience of many others which was very helpful.

It is now six months at zero and things are improving but not at a speed that I am happy with (no speed ever could be fast enough). I keep a chart rating my symptoms at zero to ten for each major symptom and the numbers are slowly coming down.

My major assets in this effort have been centering prayer (meditation) and regular physical exercise (swimming) along with a good diet and friends and family that I love.
Centering prayer I believe to be the greatest of these as it afforded some time that I was able to do something to quiet my mind and body and spirit.  It has been and continues to be a significant gift.

My hope continues to be for a decrease in symptoms. I have days when I feel absolutely marvelous.  What gifts they are for us when we spend most of our time suffering in one respect or another. My symptoms come and go which gives me hope that healing is occurring. All of them at some time or another get ratings of zero which is no negative feelings in that category.  Sleep which had been horrible for the most part for the entire time has gotten better and I’ve had times of actually enjoying going to bed and feeling nicely tired followed by a good sleep. What a blessing we come to realize that sleep is.

Sometimes I wonder why in the world I started this effort. Nothing was pressing me to do so, just an inner voice. The good days give me a view of how it can be and I continue to be grateful for all at TRAP for the support. Since tolerance was never an issue for me for 35 years it is in my head that I could go back on at the relatively low level and be OK. I have great fear that that wouldn’t be the case which is a good motivator for me. I will continue the effort.

Michael