Ativan and Valium Addiction

An Involuntary Benzo Addict's long journey to Recovery

By

Paula Kovacs

I am a recovered involuntary benzodiazepine addict. I was addicted for over fifteen years, from 1972 – 1987. For the majority of this time I was unable to work or further my education. I took my last pill twenty years ago, in October 1987. It was the bravest thing I have ever done. I experienced protracted and distressing withdrawal symptoms, lasting continuously for more than twelve months. I became agoraphobic. It was at least two years before I felt well enough to reconnect with society. I was prescribed the medication throughout my pregnancy unaware of the risk this posed to my unborn child. I experienced acute withdrawal throughout labour as a result of the consultant’s decision to not allow my usual daily dose. When born, my son was taken immediately to an incubator, where he stayed for several days. I was denied the right to breast feed him because of the possibility of the drug being present in my milk.  Subsequently, for this and the continuous psychological and emotional effects of addiction, I was unable to bond emotionally with him either as a baby or during the early years of his life. I suffered post-natal depression. I have since learned that there is a risk to the foetus if the mother is taking benzodiazepines whilst pregnant. I am hugely relieved that he was born without any obvious defects – apart from the initial lack of responsiveness. I await results of any research into possible delayed onset of the effect of being exposed to benzodiazepines in utero.

Chronic long-term dependence affected all areas of my life. I was unable to work, further my education or attend family weddings and/or funerals. My parents ‘lost’ their daughter as I spiralled down into a wretched psychological Catch 22 caused by the side effects of the medication and the subsequent pathologising of these symptoms by the medical profession. I was trapped. They couldn’t help me. They didn’t understand the radical change in their daughter’s personality. They trusted the ‘experts’ i.e. doctors, and the whole family, as well as myself, believed I was ‘mentally ill’. 

Dependence also had a profound effect on the quality of my relationships (stigma) and any expectations I had of my career/future. I started a degree course at Dartington College of Arts but had to leave after three months due to the distress I continued to experience. I continued to believe I was mentally ill, but now know it was the devastating effect addiction was having on me.

Esther Rantzen’s ‘That’s Life’ programme inspired me to start withdrawal. They featured a survey on tranquilliser addiction. I did lots of research and prepared myself well. I knew it was going to be a rough ride. Despite all my preparation and the alternative techniques I used, the suffering I endured whilst withdrawing was intense. Who knows how much worse it might have been had I not been doing everything in my power to support my body and mind? It was still torture, but I didn’t know then about substituting a short acting benzo lorazepam (Ativan) for a longer acting one diazepam (Valium) as recommended by Professor C Heather Ashton. She has since told me that I reduced by relatively large each time, but at the time, I was unaware of the withdrawal clinic she was running in Newcastle or the withdrawal protocols she had devised based on the experience of her many patients. Distressing withdrawal symptoms were experienced by many thousands of people in those early days  - many of whom, like myself, were given no support, guidance or reassurance from the medical profession. The lucky few found their way to Professor Ashton’s clinic.

After recovery, I ‘came back to myself’ and it was like a rebirth. I could feel joy, and enthusiasm again. My whole world came back into focus and there was a sense of brightness and colour for the first time in many years.

Twenty years on from withdrawal, I am physically well and haven’t experienced panic attacks, depression or any of the other symptoms I had whilst taking Ativan. I do, however, have some residual agoraphobia - but don’t allow this to diminish my enthusiasm for life. It does remain, however, a constant reminder of the damage that I have sustained. I am loathe to approach the NHS for therapy, having fought so hard to reclaim my emotional and psychological health. It would feel like walking straight back into the world of stigmatizing mental health services, and there’s no way I’m going to do that. I can live with a degree of limitation. At least I have my sanity and the knowledge that I’m not, and never have been, a raving neurotic.

I am now an active member of my community. I have successfully incorporated the self-management techniques I used in withdrawal into my daily life. I call myself an ‘expert by experience’ and I can promote the recovery model from a place of lived experience and I am proud of my courage and tenacity.

Following recovery, however, I was aware that there was very little information available about withdrawal from this type of medication - especially from a recovered survivor’s point of view. I decided that sharing my own self-management withdrawal programme seemed the most positive and useful contribution I could make. In 1997, therefore, to mark ten years of being drug free, I wrote and recorded a spoken cassette tape called ‘Holistic Tranquilliser Withdrawal’. Then, in 2007, to mark twenty years of being  (and with six years experience of working for a mental health charity behind me) I recorded a revised script on to CD and added, with the kind permission of Professor Heather Ashton, a data CD containing a selection of her withdrawal schedules. I have called this 2 CD set ‘Safe ‘Benzo’ Withdrawal’ and it contains advice, information and a relaxation specifically for benzo withdrawal. I address diet, meditation, positive thinking, massage, – and many other techniques I used to keep myself grounded whilst in withdrawal. It’s a comprehensive self help package. There’s also benzo book suggestions and useful benzo website links plus organisations/groups that can also offer support. 

‘Safe ‘Benzo’ Withdrawal’ is now featured on both the MIND and Drugscope websites. My website is:  www.benzorecovery.co.uk

I’ve been through it and survived! You can too! Remember: Be Safe – discuss withdrawal with your GP. Be Sensible - taper your dose slowly. Be Supported – join a face-to-face or ‘e’ benzo support group. Good luck on your journey to recovery.