Addicted to Ativan

By Janet F

Hi All,
My experience with benzodiazapines has been nothing short of hellish. Everyone thinks their stories are the worst but I am convinced that mine is right up there at the top. It all started when my husband died in April of 2000. He died suddenly in an accident and that night I was at the hospital until three in the morning. I knew I would have to go the next morning with his parents to make funeral arrangements and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. Well that night was the first time I took Ativan. I took one mg of Ativan and since I had always had a problem sleeping due to anxiety I continued to take the pill for the next five years at night only. Unknowing that you are only suppose to take a benzodiazapine for a maximum of 2 weeks. Did my doctor tell me that I may become hopelessly physically addicted to this pill and that I would have to give up years of my life if I took it longer then 2 weeks? No! No! No!
At the beginning of 2005 I started having a lot of gastrointestinal pain. (common with benzos) and was seeing a Doctor. I was so depressed that when I went for a visit to see her I was laying down waiting for her. She looked at my chart and told me I needed to get off benzos. She referred me to a psychiatrist and this is when the real nightmare began. The Dr. kept trying to put me on SSRI's and they would make me feel like I was on speed. They told me to keep taking them and like a fool I did. At the end of thirty days I was out of my mind. I checked myself into the Inpatient Psychiatric unit and said "fix it". They gave me all kinds of labels and all kinds of drugs. The only thing that calmed me down was benzos. I think taking the SSRI's threw me into tolerance but the Dr's. were just too blind to put two and two together. I stayed there 30 days and left even more messed up then when I went in.
By some stroke of luck after that I was cruising the internet and found a benzo website. At that time it was called Benzo Island. I was able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and figure out all my problems were due to the benzodiazapines. I did a crossover to valium but I don't think I was on near enough of a valium dose because I had been getting additional benzos while in the hospital. When I started to cut I got very sick. My whole body ached and I couldn't sleep, I was losing lots of weight, etc. etc. I laid in bed and cried for months. My family finally intervened and took me to an addictionologist. His brilliant idea was to put me back on ativan at 2.5 mgs. However, this did pull me out of withdrawals. I was so happy to be out of withdrawals and back alive. My plan was to wait three months and then start cutting directly from Ativan. At the end of about two months I started going back into extreme tolerance. I was back in the fetal position, scared out of my mind with the insomnia, etc. So I updosed and came out of it. This happened three times until I ended up on 5.0 mg of Ativan. This is equal to 50 mg of valium, quite a whopping dose. I still wasn't stable at 5 mgs so I knew I was in big trouble. I was frantic because I was so sick and in no shape to taper. I had heard of a Dr that used trileptal for withdrawals. I went to her and she put me on 600 mg of trileptal and 600 mg of neurontin four times a day. These are maximum doses of anti-seizure meds. Why she put me on two at the same time is beyond me but when you are in that state of total panic you don't think clearly and you will do almost anything to make it stop. It did stop and I was so frantic that I took myself up to a detox clinic. I know this was the wrong thing to do but I wasn't thinking clearly and I just wanted off the dreaded benzos.
I went to an Inpatient detox clinic and cut 5 mgs of ativan in 22 days. This is just a glorified cold turkey. I left there with horrible symptoms. Burning arms and legs, myclonic jerks, horrible mouth pain, dizziness, auditory hallucinations, breathing problems, etc, etc. It has been a year since my cold turkey and I am still suffering almost all of the symptoms. The one thing that has gotten better is the breathing problems. I will still have to taper off of my anti-seizure meds and I have read that those can be similar to benzo withdrawals but not as bad. I know why they say not to cold turkey. The damage to the central nervous system is just too hard to handle. My journey is far from over but I am on my way. I am happy to be off of benzos and in the healing stage. It has been a long haul and I try to keep from being bitter that this has happened to me and countless others but I am confident that I will heal and resume a normal life. Never give up hope that you will recover and fight the good fight!
Best wishes,
Janet F